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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Religious Jokes

Just for a bit of light-hearted fun, what's you favourite religious/atheist joke?

Post them in the comments section.

Here's some to get you going:

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed, "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read, "Please use other entrance."
An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

The moral? There's a time and a place for skepticism.

I look forward to seeing some of the reader's favourites!


  1. (Posted on Facebook)
    A disciple said to him, "I am ready, in the quest for God, to give up anything: wealth, friends, family, country, life itself. What else can a person give up?"
    The Master calmly replied, "One's beliefs about God."
    - from Anthony De Mello

  2. An atheist, lawyer, and priest are on a plane which is about to crash.

    Atheist: "Save the children!"
    Lawyer: "Fuck the children!"
    Priest: "Do you think we have time?"

  3. (Posted on Facebook)
    A priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are having a dinner conversation. Somehow , the subject turns to contributions, and how much of them goes towards "God's Work".

    The Baptist minister says, "Well, 10%, of course." The rest we use t run the church, and pay the bills. But 10% must go to charity and missionary work.

    "Ah", the priest says. "I have a different system. On the rectory floor, I have a circle drawn on the floor. I toss the collections on the floor, and everything within the circle goes to God's work.

    "Mmm," said the Rabbi, "I try to involve God more directly."

    "I take the money collected on the Shabbat into my office and toss it up toward the ceiling and...."

    "...He keeps what He wants!"

  4. (Posted on Facebook)

    A nun at a catholic school is asking the young girls what they want to be when they grow up. Eventually she gets to little Susie who replies: "I want to be a prostitute."

    "Good lord," says the nun, "what did you say?"

    Little Susie repeats: "I want to be a prostitute"

    "Thank heavens," says the nun, "I thought you said you wanted to be a protestant!"

  5. (Posted on Facebook)

    In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he
    noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.

    He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other
    copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"

    Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."

    He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.

    The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian", he called.

    The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.

    "Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"